Inner Conflicts

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The recent death of one of my sisters has left me feeling tremendously sad and lost at the same time. I know my current state of mind is quite normal, given the circumstance, but is it? My family was terribly broken even after I was born, 50+ years ago. I have no clue what went on in my parent’s minds. I don’t know their reasons or why they acted the way they did. I know basically nothing.

My parents broke up long time ago. I have no memory of my time then as I was just an infant. As a result of my tender age, when my mom left, she took me, and left four girls behind. For them it only got worse as our/their father lost them to the court and they went to separate foster families. I only know of this from conversations that I had in my mid-adult years.

I barely know two of my sisters. I don’t even know their favourite colours, foods or anything else. As for the other two, I only know their name. They never wanted to meet me the last time I was in Nova Scotia. It was one of these sisters that died Friday June 1, 2018.

I was stricken by grief over someone that I am blood-kin to, someone that didn’t want to know me and didn’t want to know meet my children, etc. Yet, I cried over losing her.

All my life, or for however long I have known of their existence, all I ever wanted was to be accepted and loved by them. I openly had accepted them unconditionally since a child.

I’m very sorry that they had a difficult life living in foster care in the 60s and years after. I never asked to be chosen. I just was. I don’t know why our mother chose me.

When our mother was dying in Toronto in 1996, I had the chance to learn all her reasons and secrets, but I didn’t want her last days spent on worrying about the past and mistakes that occurred back then. I wanted her to focus on the present and to be calm. Because of my choice then, we’ll never know what really happened. All we can do is assume and I’m not a person who assumes much about anything.

So, I wonder, internally why am I grieving over my sister’s death. I think there are many reasons and none of them have to do with missing her presence because I never knew what it was like. My sisters grew up in Nova Scotia, while I grew up in Ontario. I think I’m grieving over losing ‘what could have been.’

I have two fathers and they’re both dead. I never knew one of them and he was from what one of my sister’s told me, my biological father. My mother is dead too. My mother and the father who raised me were the only family I had here in Ontario. I have two children now, but the rest of my family lives in Nova Scotia. I feel I’m usually forgotten. If it wasn’t for one of my other sisters posting on Facebook about the death, I would have not been told. Geez, I didn’t even know my eldest sister got remarried until our mutual aunt wrote me about it in a letter.

I have so many unexpressed emotions as a result of the death of one of my sisters. I’m sure if I complain, my words will be twisted to make me look and feel inadequate and silly. It’s how I feel many times I try to speak up so I stop and say nothing. Silence is supposed to be golden but for me with my sisters, it’s just plain sad. They may consider me nothing more than a stranger, but to me, even though they forget my existence, they are family. I just wish that I could let all this go without a second glance. I am a heathen without loved ones. Yes I have my children, but they have their own hurdles to climb. My inner conflicts are not meant to be their burdens. I wish I had someone to share with, someone to hold me and be my forever best friend…. One day……

 

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