Temporarily Disconnected.

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Sometimes I feel alienated from the rest of the world. Yes,I have children, some friends, acquaintances, but there is no attachment to anything. I remind myself often that this comes from many years of practicing emotional detachment through my Taoist studies.

 

I am constantly discerning my thoughts, and feelings. I don’t consider myself a very egocentric person, but I feel some of my self-analysis is my ego at work because I find myself becoming extremely disconnected from everyone and everything. This low feeling can last quite a while. During such times, I spend a lot of energy covering this up, so I can pass as a normal, emotionally healthy person. When I get stuck in this pit of incessant emotional alienation, I become absorbed with my appearance and can berate myself, sometimes openly.

 

When you’re a private person, like myself, it can  be hard to put on that ‘happy face’ that everyone expects and prefers to see, it can be difficult to turn an emotional upset around and rise above it. I have no partner either, so there’s no support coming my way when things go awry emotionally. I try not to turn to my children because I am supposed to be the strong one. I am the one who carries our burdens. They are supposed to carry mine. My mom told me years ago, “Julie, there’s someone out there for everyone, your someone will come one day.” Well, I’ve been a single parent, the second time around for nearly ten years, and I’ve not taken a new partner. Quite frankly, I don’t really care. I have no attraction to anyone. I’ve been on my own for so long that I don’t think I know how to be attractive or attracted to anyone. I don’t dress ugly, but I am not my size when  I was 20. I am a plump old, pain-filled woman. I often tell my physiotherapist, ‘who would want me anyway.’ I don’t look in the mirror and see a beautifully aged woman. What I see is a woman who has suffered, endured, overcome and persevered so much. What I see is the sparkle that was once apparent in my eyes, gone. I see a woman who is soul-deep tired; someone who needs to be held without the need for sex, but for comfort, care and love.

 

When I become aware of my inner war, I seek Odin. I find comfort with Frigg and Holda; sometimes I call for Eir and Heimdall. My Heathen readings help re-focus me as well as my private prayers to these dynamic beings of spirit. They provide what I need to get me through my current emotional, mental and physical upset. There’s not a day that I don’t greet them with love and respect. I never bow to them, but speak to them as friends and family, because to me that is who and what they are. I know I need to continue my Nordic Heathen studies and I will continue with my Volva ways will continue. Journeying can be exhausting for me. I haven’t done one on purpose for a while now because I ache and I am very tired when I am done. The journeys I go on now are what the spirit takes me on, where I am to go, where or what I am needed to see. I am grateful for these escapes. Some of them, if I can remember them well enough, I will write about them or draw later on what my memory can reveal.

 

I often think of myself as a weak heathen because I have no troth, but in truth, I don’t really need one, even though I wish I belonged to one. I don’t drive, so it can be hard getting to places where there are heathen events. I am my own troth and that is not necessarily, a bad thing, it just is and I am just as I am. Maybe one day I will move to a place that has lots of heathens that will embrace me as I am and teach me new ways of being that I can incorporate into my ways of living and being in a positive and uplifting way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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