So tired… So much change

I have been told long ago that I am not just regular tired, but soul weary. Sometimes I have trouble understanding that description of my weariness level. But then I do some soul searching and see all the discord that I have stumbled into. I often wonder if I was predestined for such a hard life. Sure, others have it harder, but at the moment, I feel my own draining life force. I work so hard to keep my spirits up, because if I look too long at my life I will become sad and melancholic. One thing for sure I am grateful for is that I don’t have any addictions. How could I with the rising costs of everything.

Being a single parent the first time around 23 years ago was rough for me. I had no parents or siblings to aid me. No family within a 1000 mile radius either. But I did okay. I never could own my own home. I only could rent and we lived through welfare and housing assistance until I became pregnant 17+ years ago with my daughter. Thinking it was the right thing, I moved in with the father of my then, unborn daughter. If I knew how things were going to turn out, I would have stayed living on my own, even with my children. Don’t get me wrong he never did strike my children. The abuse was different. The kind that doesn’t leave physical scars. Needless to say, I left with both children in 2009 (I think), and began being a single parent a second time. It has not been easy. Nope not at all.

All the trials and tribulations we met throughout the years scared me, on the inside. No matter how hard I work at not letting the past have power over my present, I find myself overcome by a tired, heaviness of heart, body, mind and soul. I try to rest, but I am restless. I sigh a lot. I have to move through days like today because I am not a quitter but at the same time I have lost my motivation to do the things I had once loved doing. For now. I hope to rejuvenate those passions such as my ceremonial magic and channeling.

I am no longer chasing shadows of people and things that are not beneficial to my whole self. I am here. I am as I am. I am unwilling to become something I am not. I feel I do deserve to be loved and adored. I am strong and more than capable to live life, the best I can with what I have.

young cherry tree in Sarnia, Ontario Canada
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